May 17th

Its been so long since I have written anything and I have so much to say. This blog is about my life and how to get it moving again. I have gone thru so much since the last post and as I was talking to some very supportive friends and have come to realize that this is my way of moving forward. Its not about who reads it or what they get from it or what they think about me. This time its all about me and how I feel and what I am doing and how I am thinking about things.

So I decided since I have been counseling friends and family (for free) for over 20 years and have helped others in their life, its time for me to take my own advice. So I am going to evaluate the last few months which have been really hard and get thru it, learn from it and move on. Because I have somewhere to be, something to do and I am holding myself back from getting there and doing it.

So the first thing on my agenda it to analyze what made me stop writing my blog which made me so happy to write.

First off it was some comments I was getting from very negative people to say the least and they were not directed to me these people went to friends of mine, how childish. Second and the most serious reason is because I didn't want people to think badly of the person that I loved and that was my husband, but with what I have gone thru with him in the last few months I cant worry about that either, it is what it is.

Now I thought about writing again over the last few months but I couldn't put pen to paper and make sense of what I was feeling or doing I should have kept writing just to think my way thru it. A lesson so very well learned.

My emotions have been up and down like a fucking wild ass roller coaster without any course, well as of today I am know I have to make a course for myself and will outline once I write it down.

Since the last post valentines day, my anniversary, my business not succeeding, pass bank overdraft issues, IRS issues, car issues, money issues and not being able to pay my rent have all been there and pulling at my attention and emotions. Not leaving any room to figure out how to take care of me. I have been having back and shoulder issues for some weeks now(due to the poor ass chairs at work). I went to the doctor and he has me on some muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatory pills which all work fine, but if I miss a day its like hell. Similar to missing your birth control pill for one day, all you can think about is the agony of missing that one little pill. Only you can walk and I can't.

So my goal is to write as often as I can and take this time out for myself because it makes me feel good. So as I mentioned when i first started this blog if you don't like it ON TO THE NEXT ONE....

So my next post will have my goals short term and long term goals.... and right now that may only be goals for the next week LOL!!!!! we shall see ....

Day 26

I went to my house today (the one that I am losing) and I cried for about 30 minutes you know the kinda crying when you can't catch your breath. I always wanted to live there see my grand kids climb the trees in the backyard and get a pool for them. I use to sit on the patio and dream about it. Well it was too much for one day. I thought after all the work,love and life that I put into that house to have to leave made me feel like what have I really accomplished in life. All my kids friends and family could feel the love that flowed in that house. Now I know that this is material but in most circle in life its about material things and not trying to keep up with the Joneses but just for your own satisfaction. What makes you feel like you have done something. I called my sister and talked to her and she told me all the things she sees I have accomplished and raising my kids to be adults with some sense and respect and not be in jail is a big accomplishment. It is more than anything I can gain materially but the material things sure can feel good too. So I cried because I wanted to and I think I deserved to cry and I'm not gone beat myself up about it.

I really do believe in astrology not the read the horoscope everyday although lately the daily horoscope has been on the money for me and I have been following it since the 1st. But being a Leo family and home life and being organized and having a plan mean a lot to me. When I have someone or something that I love I do it really hard and I mean really hard. That's why its so hard for me to let go of the house I put everything into it and its hard to leave even though it was way too big for one person. The kids were hardly ever there and would be leaving soon anyway so I look at as Gods way of telling me I don't have to clean so much anymore. I can take it a little easy and maybe focus on some other things. So I'm starting over again and this time I gotta take all the lessons with me and be wiser.

Yesterday I was doing the college thing with my youngest son who waited till the last minute to do things. Then I realize that while I was helping him at the school the major shift bid was going on at work, yes on my day off so I missed that... So who knows what my schedule will be for the next year, but my son is in college and hopefully he will make enough money to take care of me when I get old.

Didn't work out yesterday or today so I'm sorer (if that is a word) than ever. I won't be able to go tomorrow either I got a job after work to take care off.

I am happy that I decided to write in such an open forum I know most people wouldn't do it but it actually is making me feel better and the responses are very encouraging. Thanks to all who have been reading and telling me to keep it up and the person who added themselves as a follower with no email address or information. Don't think I don't know who you are, you not that slick. You don't have to check to see what I may say about you I'll never reveal your name. But I am gonna talk about it.

Day 25

So yesterday was Sunday was really busy at work.. yes I work on Sundays it's cool but yesterday was crazy. Couldn't wait to leave and get home and relax. I had made an appointment to go to a yoga class but I really wasn't feeling it early in the day and decided not to go. So at work I was talking to this guy over the phone and he invited me out for drinks told me to call him. Well its been a while since I been out on a date and I thought well maybe and decided to call him when I get home. So when I got home my youngest son asked me what time I was going to the gym I told him I wasn't just too tired. Also thinking to myself that I was going to call dude back and see what's up. Its been a long time if you know what I mean a very long time well its been a little over 6 months and the HONEY is lonesome. So I tell him that I'm not going he said why so I told him that I was too tired he says mom you just need to push yourself you can do it. Did that not sound like me talking to my mom. So I sat down on the couch and realize he was right so I got up and went to the gym and took my class.

Okay yoga is not what I thought it would be OMG!!!! for real I almost gave uup it was very hard I was standing in some chicken pose or something. Most people were able to wrap their foot around the back of there neck and the only thing I could think about is wow that would be a great position Imma keep coming to this class.

So when I get home it didn't take long for me to get sore I have never been this sore in my life this shit is ridiculous. Even my fingertips are sore no joke she kept telling us to press through to our fingertips. I think I pressed to hard. The only thing that is not sore are my ears.

So I was thinking I have pushed myself everyday that I have been to the gym. When I was going to the gym before I never pushed myself it would hurt so bad and I would be so sore that I would give up. I now understand why I gave up its because I was going thru so much pain in other areas of my life I could continue. But today I realized that I can do it and feel good about it. I can push myself with no other pain than the pain I feel because those muscles haven't been used in a while. So I thanked my son today for making me push myself even when I didn't want to.

So I didn't call dude at all and thought to myself today just wait till I can lift my leg over my neck somebody better watch out I'm gone be dangerous..

Day 23

So Friday in the cafeteria Nachos was on the menu I really didn't want them but I didn't want what I packed for lunch. Just was not in the mood for veggies and fruit and good for you stuff. So i decided to eat the nachos I asked if they had a half portion but they didn't so I got the whole portion and thought I would only eat half. Now this is in a take out dinner container so even half was too much. So as I was telling him to add the sour cream, cheddar and nacho cheese, rice and beans, avocados, onions and grilled chicken I was singing it and doing the little head dance. Yummy can't wait to eat half of this.... well 3/4 of the way in I was about to blow up I had to give the rest away didn't even want to look at it. I was so sleepy after lunch that I almost bust my head on the keyboard. OMG I won't be able to eat like that too soon. I went to the gym after work to work that off. worked out for one hour and it felt good to know that I burned some of that fat off. WHEW!!!! I have really been praying for some kinda control in my life. I have let food comfort me thru so many situations in my life. I no longer want to eat a huge bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup, nuts, caramel sauce and strawberries to make me feel better for the moment and then wonder why I cant fit into my jeans. Or wonder why the bed is sinking in on my side.

I realize that some of the things that I write about are shocking to some people because I never expressed the things that I was going thru in my relationship to you. I have been happy with my husband for a very long time and the little things we went thru were tolerable until I couldn't tolerate them anymore. My mother and father always told me that you never tell people what goes on in your bed. One thing is that I will never tell anything that I don't mind getting back to me or someone else that's just the way I am. So I never told you what was going on in my life or bed. That should not be shocking how many people do you tell all your business too. I have no issues talking about my life but I think other people do because not many people have open minds and are non-judgmental.

I have never been one to spread things or to judge anyone for anything. I learned that along time ago that whatever you judge a person on, it will happen to you triple fold. I try to surround myself with people who are open minded and non-judgemental because life is not predictable and doesn't always fit in the box that others create for me.

That is my story and lesson for tonight.

I feel like the Lotus flower.... it starts off at the bottom of the pond in mud and murky waters only to rise to be the most beautiful flower in the pond. I'm rising to the top in full bloom.

Day 20

No i haven't forgot about you I had to take some time to meditate on some issues that I have been facing. The diet and exercise has been going great and I am proud of myself I joined a gym that I have no idea how I'm going to pay for. But I am because its something that I really do want and I know that exercise really helps me stay focused and alert and I need all the focusing and alertness I can get.

I kinda feel like I'm in this washing machine that keeps being put on the spin and rinse cycle over and over again. I get wet then I dry out for a little bit then I get wet again and then I dry out a little bit more. The cycle keeps going on and on and just like water it can be just as irritating as it is refreshing.

I have always been the bounce back queen when it came to ending relationships. I would go thru my little stomach aches and pains throwing up cant keep food down then after about 2 months I was back in the swing of things having more than one boyfriend at a time and loving it. This last relationship (marriage)that I was in is not allowing me to do that and I can't figure out why not. I stay away and then wonder how he is doing and call or he calls me. Then the cycle starts over again I miss his voice, his laugh, his person our life. Its been over a year since we have been together and even longer since we really had a relationship you could call decent it been real hell for a few years. But i guess i always thought it would get better not seeing how worst it was getting till I really prayed and was able to open my eyes or allow my eyes to see what had been in my face.

That is my rinse cycle I allow myself to get over him and just when I think I'm about to go to the dryer to dry off and be fresh them I allow myself to get all wet and emotional again. I started talking to him again a week or so ago and I started getting all mushy but only to myself not out loud. So I said I'm not going to call him again. Then I called him again and its happening all over again. So I wrote this email to let him know that I cant talk to him anymore and the reason why.

There has been so much that happened I could write a book I have been thru a lot that most people would probably wonder why. I did it because I believe in love and the power of soul mates. I believe that a soul mate is once in a lifetime and it is not always a person that you sleep with. We were each others soul mate we were friend and lovers and as it turned out we were also each other enemies and haters. One thing I never took into account is that soul mates are also humans and make mistakes and lose themselves and do stupid ass shit. He lost his mind (no for real he really lost his mind and would shit with the door open like his shit really didn't stink)he took advantage of every situation a person ever could and not only took a mile but took miles and miles of advantage. Then thought because I didn't bitch and complain that I was stupid. But as Forest Gumps mama said stupid is as stupid does so in effect I guess I was stupid. Boy was I stupid and it was my own fault I should have left when I first felt the stupidity showing. Hind sight is a motherfucker.

This is what bothers me even though I went thru so much with him I still want to be with him but I know and I really do know this in my heart, mind body and soul that it would not be right ever again. At one point I was like it would be better because we would be better for each other after going thru this experience but I really don't know. There is my doubt again... I love him just as much as I really really dislike him (you know your parents tell you to never say hate).

I have been trying to move on and it has been very difficult to do so. Its like I don't want anybody else, I don't have the time and patience for anybody else and it make me feel stupid for feeling like that. And honestly guys out here are crazy OMG ... but I know that someone can treat me better and more than anything I know I should be treated better, appreciated and loved the way I need to be and not what someone decides I need or don't need. That is what really broke up us was his selfishness and unconcern for me in the end. But most days I remember the good love, laughs, the dream, the planning, the crying just the times we had together.

So I didn't binge eat too often actually it was only one evening and I was sick as a dog. Otherwise you would be proud of me I only have drank 4 wine coolers and had 2 - 2 liters of Pepsi over the course of this time away from you.

I have and still do eat better and have taken a lot of advice and been ACTUALLY using it. I cook healthy every night, when at the store I take something to read while in line and I been working out however I can get it in sometime 2ce a day. I start back tonight journaling not only my diet routine but my plan to recovery. Recovery from what .... from me to me. I need to recover from what I have allowed to become me... to what I know I should be.

Stay tuned

Day 9

Today was a very good day I ate good and right i had cheese pizza for breakfast, yogurt with peaches on break, worked out for lunch did 100 of the arm things and some situps on the machine ate the quiche and some sugar snap peas and on 2nd break I ate popcorn. I came home and cooked for fish, wheat spaghetti and sauce and green peas.

Today I feel blessed and loved yesterday was rough and today was like yesterday never happened. I have been trying to stay as positive and focused as possible. Before the phone was off I use to listen to a morning inspirational conference call that was truly inspiring and I think that too is one of the things that got me where I am right now. Keeping God in my life and not letting the negativity creep in.


Now tomorrow I gone try to do some stretches before I go to work. I gotta wake up earlier than usual about 10 minutes (but you know 10 minutes can equal a whole night of sleep). I'm trying to add little things into my life a little at a time not trying to go in strong because I want this to last a lifetime. I told my kids tonight that I was gonna live with them when I got older so my youngest son said why would you want to live with one of us when you get older. I said because I will need to have someone take care of me so if I fall down or cant see someone will be there for me. He was like you should not say that you should just take care of yourself so you wont have to live with no one else. Well I know where I won't be living LOL!!!!!

Story
I use to wonder how you can live with someone for years and when you break up its like they never lived or loved you. How can you just leave and not even care about the family, kids nothing. I also wondered why certain people didn't love me the way I needed to be loved.

Lesson
I'm finding out there are people who will love you the way you need to be loved and you don't have to live or sleep with them. But that is the fairy tale we have grown up to believe. Sometimes the ones you love and sleep with can be the ones you never knew at all, but the sex be off the hook!!!!! I received this email from a friend on facebook. Its from T.D. Jakes enjoy

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caringabout you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.... I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be
made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with
us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a
bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to
me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered u ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take
you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying"take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2010!!! LET IT GO!!!

Day 7

So I slept very well last night until about 2:45am when I jumped up ran to the bathroom and started to wash up for work then while sitting on the toilet trying to figure out why I haven't won the lottery I thought did that say 5:45 or 2:45. So I went and put on my glasses and read the time on the cell phone (which is not on) and saw 2:45. Damnit, So I should have known some shit was going to happen today, but I went back to sleep and woke up at 5:00 the normal time.

I didn't cook dinner last night so I didn't have anything to take to work to eat but I'll make due.

So I should have known how the day would be when I put my tie up boots on this morning and walked outside and could feel my sock move down my ankle to be right above the crease of my toes. Damn I should have put on some tights but I get too hot sometimes and be bout ready to tear them off about 8:30am. So I get to work and check my business emails and been wondering why I haven’t got any emails. (Okay just for those who don’t know I also own my own business I run a successful. on the way, all natural Bath and Body Products company called SoulPleasures. It is doing better than it ever has and I’m proud of myself.) Well I figured it out I need to pay for the website to get the emails , you see how all that works together, well I was a little slow. And now my phone is completely off, I cant get no emails no text nothing but your call is being directed to the customer finance department please do not hang up. Well if customer finance can give me some money I’ll hold on, other than that Imma hang up.
So I got real depressed because I don’t know when I’ll be able to turn the website back on and the phone either. So I decided that I was going to eat a bag of chips and a snicker bar. Uhh but Pepsi didn't even come cross my mind last night. After feeling like my uterus was falling out I decided no Pepsi for a while. So I thought and said (you know to myself) I'm suppose to get support when I'm feeling like this. So I emailed my friends Poetry and Paint on Me for support and this is what I got back Its long so I hope you read it;

This came from Paint on Me;

I have a wonderful sister named Truette who isn't phony and loves me for me and understand me (most of the time). Truette is sooo awesome, she doesn't even realize it and that's what's the icing on the cake about her. It's a genuine humble kind of awesome. And can love people in a way I just can't bring myself to do. Selfless is Truette. What a gift. AND has the best ideas. If I need to figure something out, all I have to do is call and its like she's was born with the answer and was just waiting on my call to give it to me. I just love me some Truette. And so beautiful. I see my mother-in-law when I look at Truette and it's not that Truette looks like her, it's like she lives in Truette. And Truette doesn't know how brave she is, she's got this soap business and I'm consider myself a pretty creative person but the scents and soaps are so magnetizing (pause, let me stop typing a second to put on a dab of MadSplash lotion) Mmmmmm....smells so good. Anyway, back to Truette. When I hear Truette's voice or get an email from her, I smile instantly. Some folks instantly make me hit ignore, but I so look forward to talking to Truette that my schedules, family, work and rest of my day would pass by if Truette didn't end the conversation. This is partly because I love to talk but more than that I love to talk to certain people and Truette is one of them. Now wait, Truette also can do her own hair and it's always cute. It seems like every style fits her. She doesn't think so because she has a big head but I love it every time I see her. Processed, natural, blond, brown, black and lol, grey. She rocks it every time. And her clothes along with my clothes, now we are thick women but some of our coldest clothes, skinny chicks look stupid in. They need to wear their own clothes since we can't. Like they laugh at us, I laugh at them. Stringbean, you ain't got enough curves to fill this dress so go sit down somewhere and be hungry, LOL
Now something else about Truette that just blew me away when she was working for a telephone company (I think it was telephone), she new stuff about this job no one else knew, not because she's a brainiac but because she read the literature they passed out and said you should know. Man, I don't even know how many vacation days I get and I've been at my job about 9 years. I wish I had the patience to learn some data like that. If I buy an electrical appliance, I give the instructions to my son and have him break it down and I don't consider myself a dumb person, I just don't have the patience and I'm scared to ask for it from God because I know he's gonna give me a test to develop it...and let's face it, I just don't have the patience for that either. Times when Truette is upset, I can hardly tell because her "I'm straight poker face" is like no other. But when she tells she's hurt, I hurt too because I just love her so much.
So here's a hug & kiss and a stroke of your hair in hopes that you are no longer depressed along with a glass of wine or a shot of patron or just a Pepsi and please know that I think the world of you.

This came from Poetry;
Hey lady...wow. I feel you. As far as advice....your advice can be on how to breathe and tackle the issues one at a time, one step at a time. I knowww you believe and know that God's got your back. For whatever reason, he's just saying baby girl it's gotta go down like this right now. Maybe its His way of showing you how much strength you really do have.
As for the chips...go get some....some baked or lowfat ones. And the snickers...hmmm....i know go get a protein bar or some dried fruit to shake the sweet craving!!!

So I sat at my desk at work and cried. So with advice like this how can I really eat chips and a snickers bar so I decided to go workout. Not that I was dressed for it but I did 100 of those arm exercises with the bar you pull down. As I type I can feel the soreness starting in my cuticles and I know before tonight is over it will reach into my shoulder and neck. I got some BenGay and a heating pad.

I went to the store after work to get a little food I only had 20.00 so I bought a pizza, some fish and Italian sausage for the next few days. When I got to the register I saw the chips so I put them on the belt also. Well with the chips the total was 21.08. Now it was between the fish that was 7.94 and the .99 chips it was a hard decision. Well the fish won and I ended up being proud of myself. I feel sooo good!!!!

Story
I use to be the one everybody goes to for anything and I didn't mind helping with whatever I could I would and have given my last and never wanted to bother anyone with my issues because they always seemed so little compared to everybody else. So I have always keep a lot to myself.

Lesson
Its cool to have people around who are supportive, listen and can give me advice. You just have to have good people around. Thank you friends!!!!!