Day 20

No i haven't forgot about you I had to take some time to meditate on some issues that I have been facing. The diet and exercise has been going great and I am proud of myself I joined a gym that I have no idea how I'm going to pay for. But I am because its something that I really do want and I know that exercise really helps me stay focused and alert and I need all the focusing and alertness I can get.

I kinda feel like I'm in this washing machine that keeps being put on the spin and rinse cycle over and over again. I get wet then I dry out for a little bit then I get wet again and then I dry out a little bit more. The cycle keeps going on and on and just like water it can be just as irritating as it is refreshing.

I have always been the bounce back queen when it came to ending relationships. I would go thru my little stomach aches and pains throwing up cant keep food down then after about 2 months I was back in the swing of things having more than one boyfriend at a time and loving it. This last relationship (marriage)that I was in is not allowing me to do that and I can't figure out why not. I stay away and then wonder how he is doing and call or he calls me. Then the cycle starts over again I miss his voice, his laugh, his person our life. Its been over a year since we have been together and even longer since we really had a relationship you could call decent it been real hell for a few years. But i guess i always thought it would get better not seeing how worst it was getting till I really prayed and was able to open my eyes or allow my eyes to see what had been in my face.

That is my rinse cycle I allow myself to get over him and just when I think I'm about to go to the dryer to dry off and be fresh them I allow myself to get all wet and emotional again. I started talking to him again a week or so ago and I started getting all mushy but only to myself not out loud. So I said I'm not going to call him again. Then I called him again and its happening all over again. So I wrote this email to let him know that I cant talk to him anymore and the reason why.

There has been so much that happened I could write a book I have been thru a lot that most people would probably wonder why. I did it because I believe in love and the power of soul mates. I believe that a soul mate is once in a lifetime and it is not always a person that you sleep with. We were each others soul mate we were friend and lovers and as it turned out we were also each other enemies and haters. One thing I never took into account is that soul mates are also humans and make mistakes and lose themselves and do stupid ass shit. He lost his mind (no for real he really lost his mind and would shit with the door open like his shit really didn't stink)he took advantage of every situation a person ever could and not only took a mile but took miles and miles of advantage. Then thought because I didn't bitch and complain that I was stupid. But as Forest Gumps mama said stupid is as stupid does so in effect I guess I was stupid. Boy was I stupid and it was my own fault I should have left when I first felt the stupidity showing. Hind sight is a motherfucker.

This is what bothers me even though I went thru so much with him I still want to be with him but I know and I really do know this in my heart, mind body and soul that it would not be right ever again. At one point I was like it would be better because we would be better for each other after going thru this experience but I really don't know. There is my doubt again... I love him just as much as I really really dislike him (you know your parents tell you to never say hate).

I have been trying to move on and it has been very difficult to do so. Its like I don't want anybody else, I don't have the time and patience for anybody else and it make me feel stupid for feeling like that. And honestly guys out here are crazy OMG ... but I know that someone can treat me better and more than anything I know I should be treated better, appreciated and loved the way I need to be and not what someone decides I need or don't need. That is what really broke up us was his selfishness and unconcern for me in the end. But most days I remember the good love, laughs, the dream, the planning, the crying just the times we had together.

So I didn't binge eat too often actually it was only one evening and I was sick as a dog. Otherwise you would be proud of me I only have drank 4 wine coolers and had 2 - 2 liters of Pepsi over the course of this time away from you.

I have and still do eat better and have taken a lot of advice and been ACTUALLY using it. I cook healthy every night, when at the store I take something to read while in line and I been working out however I can get it in sometime 2ce a day. I start back tonight journaling not only my diet routine but my plan to recovery. Recovery from what .... from me to me. I need to recover from what I have allowed to become me... to what I know I should be.

Stay tuned